It’s been a wild ride. This year has been a lot of things, but it was not bad. It was something I needed. A couple months ago I would have said the opposite. I would have cursed the name out of this year but as I observed all of my decisions this year, and the ways I’ve changed I thank 2016 for being the best friend who taught me that you don’t always get what you want in this life, you get what you need.
You see, best friends are supposed to be there for you when you fall physically, but more so when you fall emotionally and this year enabled me to do that myself without anyone. This year I lost people I loved, and it was the loss that burdened my soul. But sometimes our best friends show us the biggest lessons of our lives, and those are the ones that change us forever. They changed me. Now I am positive that people will forget what you said, and what you did, but never forget the way you made them feel, and I think that’s the most important thing to remember. Here are some of the writings I never exposed.
To the people who have Gone with the Wind, but that made this year:
1. I miss you. You taught me that the most painfully stricken people are the happiest people on the outside, because you would always try to feel alive. You always wanted to feel happy, but I didn’t notice that you weren’t until too late. I thank you for choosing a boy over our friendship because you taught me that you can’t help who you fall in love with, but also that a friendship doesn’t separate two people from anything. I’m not sure I can compose words to let you understand so I won’t. All I will say is thank you. I just want to say I love you. You are strong, beautiful, and have a good heart. I just hope you learn to love yourself so boys don’t treat you like shit because you are not an equivalent of that. Through all the horrible things you did that I wouldn’t go back to, I am still glad I met you. You are a piece of who I became.
2. I promise you that I won’t forget you, because I know that’s what worries you. That that’s the reason you send me a message out of the blue; the reason you called me a few days ago. I promise you I will always answer your calls, and want to know about your life. That I will be better, that I will find someone who likes to read, and go to museums with me. That I won’t wallow in thinking about you, or worrying about where you are. I promise you that no matter what anyone says about you, I will know the truth, and I will try to defend you. So if you don’t hear from me for a while, I promise it is because I love you too much to let you go. I promise to keep you in my memories, locked away until I can re-live them peacefully again. That out of my 18 years of existence, I’ve had 9,460,800 precious minutes and every single one I spent with you may fade, but I promise that the twenty seconds it took to fall in love with you shall live on. That you will be the inspiration for poems I write about heartbreak, and about keeping faith and hope alive. I promise you all these things, but out of everything I promise myself that I will forever see your heartbreak to me as a gift from you, one that I desperately needed to know how to love myself first before I love anybody else.
3. You were right. I am childish. I just didn’t see it until I matured. We were at different points in our lives, but somewhere we always managed to be so similar in our actions. You taught me that friends shouldn’t put you down, and that no one who makes me cry is considered a good friend, when you did those things. You were my first friendship break-up that tore me apart, that hurt me so bad, I still remember. I thank you though. For telling me I was one of the five people in your life that you cared about. For telling me you loved me that one time you were almost passed out, because I loved you too. Thank you for teaching me that moments in life require risk, and a convincing adventure. I leave my memories in our times we felt alive and young.
4. I don’t tell you this or anything really often, but thank you for being in my life. For showing me that you were always a friend. We had hurt, we had pain, but with it came the first times, and your friendship. I don’t doubt that you love me, because I feel it and it is lovely. Thanks for listening to all my ridiculous raps, and dreaming of things we want to do when we inherit millions of dollars somehow. You will never stop being one of my best friends, and if one day we drift apart, the amount of time you have been in my life is good for an eternity. Your smile is still my favorite.
5. I consider you as someone I truly love. Despite, the events of this year just know that I will always be here when you need me. That I pray for you, and everything you do because I know you can do greater things than you think. I want to tell you that your words eased me at my worst. That I won’t ever stop thanking you for hugging me as I cried, because at that instance you were the only one I trusted and only one I could trust in. The words you told me will live in my heart and will be some of the best ones I received at 18 years, I love you for a lot of things, and hate you for others you know, but I love you because you cared. You cared enough to hug me more than once, and look me straight in the eye and say, “You are okay.”
6. You stopped talking to me a while back and I am not sure why. You taught me how to know what my limits are, and see the good in things by going out to eat, and texting me the little things you love about me. That was beautiful. Thank you for showing me the movie Blue Valentine, and visiting my house when we are so far away from each other. Whenever you are free, I’ll be here.
I leave all these people in the hands of the past. Always remember that no matter what happens. It is okay to love more than once. It is also okay to fall in love sooner than you expect. You fell in love more than once, and that was the most beautiful feeling in the world. Once with a lively boy, then with yourself, and once more with God. You fell into love more than you expected and it felt great. I was afraid of love, but now I am not, and I embrace every imperfect love that comes into my life. I have realized no love will be perfect, no love will be smooth, but love conquers all chaos and with time heals deep wounds.
So, don’t be afraid of what the world has to offer, because it’s better to shoot and miss than to never shoot for anything at all. Remember, love once, then once again, and then love once more. Yes. Loving can hurt. It hurts us. But loving can also heal. It is the only thing we take with us when we are gone.
2016 is and will forever be my best friend, because it taught me how to find happiness in the darkest places, during the darkest hours. It taught me that while there was anger, frustration, disappointment, hurt, pain and broken hearts, there was also laughter, new love, colorful music, summer concerts, and inside jokes that will never die, ever. Through all of it, it was my pain that got me closer to God, and what made my faith become stronger than my fear. Something I share proudly, as I know now that God is love, and God is light.
I love you, and all the people reading this at the moment.