Facing Your Fears

Facing your fears is like riding on a rollercoaster. You don’t want to do it, you despise it, you get the adrenaline pumping in your veins, sweat forming in your temples, but after the first one you realize it’s not that bad. Today I rode one for the first time again in five years, and I was surprised I was not afraid.  I looked at the highest drop, and felt my heart didn’t drop immediately at the same time. Why wasn’t I scared? I was anxious yes, but not frightened. I was not as scared as I was five years ago, and that is so strange to me. I hated high places, and I feared anything that had to do with them, but now as I stared at them, tallest to smallest I wasn’t the least bit scared. People say that it’s impossible to fly, but I think you can. I think we fly when we find what we love, but even more so when we find that one thing we love without the person we used to love. It is as if our wings are crafted from the very things that we miss, but we must move on from. Our wings are all the lost people in our world, turned into better people we will meet. We all have different ways we fly, and different ways our wings have formed. My wings come from a deep harbored place of rejection, confusion, and belittlement. My wings are my fearlessness. My wings are my courage and my strength, but they are also my weakness and my flaws. I felt like I was flying today when I realized I wasn’t scared of putting my hands up as the rollercoaster started up. I just wanted to stay up in the sky forever. I wanted to sky dive.

I overcame a terrifying fear in the span of a year, and that to me is simply amazing. It is amazing to me how I could change in a couple of months, and how I feel myself changing every day. I felt the wind tug my body, and my heart pumping out of my chest and I wanted to leave the feeling on a little longer. I wanted to be up there and stare at the world from above, I shouted and screamed my lungs out as I filled them in and out with air that felt good to breathe from. I felt invincible, but most of all I felt free. Free from hate, free from fear, free from the horrible things this world can show me when I try to see the good things. Free from anything that does not put a smile on my face, and that was a feeling I wish I could keep in my pocket so I could feel it when I am ready to give up. I am proud of myself for finding myself in my fears, and that somehow facing more of them in real life has ended my fear of heights. Facing some of my fears that I had with love this past year, and letting them drain me emotionally, and physically hasn’t been fun, but it was the rollercoaster I had to get on in order to grow, and in order to know more about myself. Apparently, also so it could end my fear of being in high places. So cheers to all the broken parts of me I have re-found in my ability to overcome heights. Cheers to past lovers, and heartbreak, that now exists only in past, and in the future as a reminder that I am free.

So go big or go home, risk it all for a second to feel happy, do what ever you want, and say whatever you feel, face your biggest obstacles, face the confrontations that have been holding you back from doing something, and tell someone why you love them. Just own your fears, own them like they are your reason to live, because most likely they are the ones that are preventing you from actually living your life.

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