May 13th – 2017 Making Progress Towards A Better ‘Self’

“A real sign of progress is when we no longer punish ourselves for our imperfections.” -Yung Pueblo

This quote resonated with me this week as I thought about my the place I am in right now, and journey so far with this blog. I am currently in Nevada taking a trip away from school, and everything going on in my life. When we hear “emotional” it is often taken as a negative thing, trait, or word to be said. “Emotional baggage” is something every single one of us may carry at some point, after a bad break-up, or toxic relationship we went through. It is something I carry, but have learned to set aside in order to embrace the positive things rather than dwell heavily in the hurt and pain of the past. This is something that I wish I could guide people through, something I can teach so people don’t hurt, so people don’t suffer because of lost love. But it is also something I had to teach myself and practice for 8 months.

It is hard to dominate thinking about the past. It took me about six months to deal with how I was feeling about myself completely, and is still what I do every day that I am alive. I remind myself who I am, and who I want to be. Not who I was, not what I did a year ago, but what I can do NOW to change that. In relationships there are two people who must work together, not one, so the end result will always be half of what you contributed to it. Half is what you were, how you reacted, what you did, and half is what they did, (in some anyways) but a healthy relationship with any friend, or partner should be viewed in this way after you part ways. Why? It leads you to the steps of working towards your inner self, your outer self, and the potential you have to lead a life with no toxic thoughts, people, ideas, or assumptions. These are the steps that are helping me in the progress of bettering myself , and have brought me into my current state of bliss,

  1. You accept it is equal guilt

I thought I had accepted this many times before, but I hadn’t. It took me time, but when the time is here things click without you trying. Whatever may have happened, there will always be two different stories to a break-up. I learned that you don’t need to have the “right” version, you may never. The past stays locked away into a place we never get back. It is one that does not need to be fed with illusions anymore, because there is nothing you can do. You can’t change the past, but you can change your look, your outfits, your career path, the types of books you read. Healthy change is every where when you want to find it. I have accepted my past as what I needed to be happy now. Even though I don’t feel comfortable speaking about it, it doesn’t matter. The point is, I feel a change that I can smile to myself about as I type this, and it is that I accept the mistakes I made in the past. I also stopped blaming myself for what went wrong, AND THAT IS liberating. I feel like for the first time in a long time, I can breathe, even just for a minute without being anxious. Thank you God, and those daily quotes on my bible app.

  1. You make peace with yourself (time may vary)

Healing to me feels never ending sometimes. I am literally healing every day, as I wake up. I heal and heal over again, because as much as I want to stop doing everything and run away from my problems I can’t. We can’t. I have to get up and do my homework, I have to stop reminiscing, and focus on what I have to do in the present. I have to try to try. Within this I have found peace, because I am finally, and by that I mean ‘DAMN HILDA IT’S ABOUT DAMN TIME’ I know how to time myself. I know how I want to do school, how I want to not take five classes all at the same time, these may seem like minuscule details but I they are the ones that matter. As long as I keep doing these, I ease a ton of stress off of me, I worry less about perfection, and I get a lot more done by putting my energy on one thing, this is what keeps me happy and productive. Two things that for me go hand and hand I have come to realize too. So peace within time, and knowing it does NOT OWN ME.

  1. I started viewing my so called “imperfections” as the really dope, and cool things about me that I would not change or replace

Imperfections are just a social construct. Along with virginity, and minority groups (research “otherness”). There is nothing wrong with you. This past week as I took my homework break, I had a conversation with Joey that reminded me of how I should think of my imperfections. To me, if I were to describe him, he is a person who has all the little things I love into one. Sort of like a factory, that decided to take all the things I like and make one human being out of them. In this same way, we are ALL somebody else’s little things made up into one single, and distinct human being. We all have something to offer, something to give, whether we see imperfections as obstacles, truth is they only exist to other people, as far as they exist in our own eyes. I am made up of imperfections, but they are my only ‘perfect’, and could be somebody else’s little things.

So, if you’ve made it this far these are the three steps/stages that are gradually taking me from a toxic place to a place of healthy love for myself, self-empowerment, and the determination to stay positive. I didn’t like who I was before in that toxic place, and the only way I am not going back is if I get rid of all of the negativity that surrounds me, removing the people necessary, and by reminding myself that life is not going to be any better than it is right now. Live it up babe.

Thank you to everyone who read this, it is a little lengthier than my usual articles but bear with me. Love you all 🙂

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