"I am not the same anymore because I am not worried about who I became, I am happy with who I'm becoming" -Hilda
So I got back from my wonderful trip, and I feel different. I have been battling with anxiety and coping with past insecurities that I thought I left behind a long time ago this week, but this only made me want to change something in my life. I went to the gym, and I felt good.
I took a drive.
I sat down and drank some coffee at my favorite spot to be by myself for a while. Then I took a walk with a friend at the mall and bought a bright colored lipstick I've been scared to wear.
I felt power in knowing that I was doing something I have never done before. I felt change, and that change felt good.
I came across a speech from Tony Robbins, called "Understanding Yourself"which made me re-think my reality, and deepest fears about the people I have left in the past. In the video it spoke about Growth and Contribution, the key to freedom. It spoke more about how we must change constantly, and how feeling outside your comfort zone is ket to developing your full potential. I highlighted some words that stood out, "We are driven to achieve, we are driven to achieve our needs, but we cannot if we are comfortable in where we are now." If we are comfortable, we are dying.
I was dying.
If I stay where I am, I am never going to grow. If you are not changing, you are dying. Things, people, loss, love, heartbreak, rejection, all clouded me today and I felt like I was going to fucking explode. I thought about the people who have been a significant part of my life. The ones that made me so happy, before I left them, before they left me. I am used to burning bridges, but what if I built them again? Can I? Am I allowed to change the way I think of life in the span of a trip to the mall? The beauty of life is I can.
I decided to call those people who are and aren't in my life anymore and thank them for the time they shared with me where I was my happiest. By the way this took a lot of energy. This idea was so crazy to me. But as I sat down and realized HOLY SHIT I'M SCARED. Scared shitless. I took a deep breathe and a voice told me, 'By doing this, you are contributing to your growth" you are ripping the chains that hold you back hilda, you are driving you outside your comfort zone, YOU are GROWING UP" On the call I acknowledged our faults, our mistakes, and despite that I told them I was thankful for them coming into my life and though I don't expect to form a new friendship or anything out of it, I loved spending the time I did with them in my life. I thanked them for the time they were in it. My brain felt a surge of energy. It felt like an exercise for my heart, soul and mind. It was positive responses from the ones who answered.
Reconnecting with my past gave me a bit of connection that I felt I was missing. It gave me That thing that would make me feel human again. really it worked. I did not know that in order to move forward, in order build a muscle for my human connection capabilities I must reconnect with my pain. I must reconnect with what has hurt me. Hearing their voices healed wounds. Speaking and connecting with them was real, they exist, I exist too. feeling love exists. It was the hardest thing I had to do, but I felt myself change.
It took a part of my life and reconnected it to my heart. The power to change. To grow. To acknowledge that above the bad, there was great goodness in my life through these people. Telling these people I loved them, and appreciated them LET ME BREATHE. What is this change? Who am I? This healed my heart, and it helped give me a reason to be alive today. this made me believe in life, in the fact that God is with me every step of the way even when I don't see him.
I don't know where this is taking me, this is the beginning and I want you to know that I love you Hilda.
I am starting my life over for us.