I made it through June, I made it through and not around. Last month was definitely an emotional month. I spent the first day of this month in Los Angeles, at Santa Monica pier one of the many places where I go to find peace. It was a spontaneous trip, but it was nice to re-visit the place where I harbored most of the beautiful yet tainted memories from last summer. There was something different about the way I walked down the shore and felt the water of the waves. They held my stories, and my moments, all of them, but they didn’t hold my pain. They didn’t hold remorse, or hatred, they just were what they were. The stories I re tell myself, just like every person walking this earth who have ever been broken. This past month of June has been a healing month for me, one where many of my feelings and emotions about my past re-surfaced unwillingly and willingly. I’ve been practicing grace itself, and the concept of grace when it comes to finding it in dark places of betrayal and un forgiveness. Pastor Kyle Idle’s “grace is greater” book sustained me through difficult trials last month, as I listened to the audio book almost every day on my way to school.
Grace is the path to happiness, and the word that cuts all bad intentions. Grace I have learned, is greater than our sins, greater than the people who have done the unforgivable things to us, and it is better than revenge or getting even. Grace is endlessly good, and grace is what I choose to embody.
I wave June a thank you because it was the hardest, and most appreciative month so far. I started my life over last month, and with that I changed my ideals about the world and the people I’ve written so much about. The truth is, even through the let downs, I must keep in mind “God has given me a lot more than what I believe I may have lost or been taken away from. I have more than enough, and I am grateful. I am grateful for Jailene, I am grateful for Liz, for my family being healthy, for Jess and Annette, for Kim, for Logan, for Matt, for Danny. I am grateful to have people who surround me constantly with nothing but positivity.
July, is my national anthem representing the happiness I am embracing. My national anthem is the grace I am discovering above the hurt and cruelty from others. My national anthem is the ability I have to heal others with my words. My national anthem is the letters I’ve written to people, that I can re read to myself when I’m alone and remind myself that caring and loving for someone else is rare and I shouldn’t blame myself for the things I could not once control. I come into this month with a mindset of “you want things done the right way, you have to do them yourself” and thanking God for using me to speak to people about my struggles, about my journey of loosing God and finding him again. He is the only one that understands my frustrations, the things I still do not understand, and most importantly my heart. He holds it, and I am never in doubt that he’ll let it go.
I also get to live the dream of seeing J Cole perform this month with my best friends, summer can’t get any better than that… OR CAN IT??!
Stay tuned, I may fall in love again haha
xoxoxo – hilda