“You cannot heal in the same environment where you got sick”- Nia D
I believe life a never ending cycle of rebuilding and healing. Things become destroyed, and then they slowly build up again. Relationships break, feelings change, and then you become blinded by what has happened to you. That is where the first mistake happens, because you are allowed to be in shock after a breakup, but don’t stay in it. You must learn to acknowledge your wrongs, realize the logical reason for why things happened and heal away from where you were hurt. You cannot heal in the same place, nor can you believe that having that person close will make the pain any less because truth be told, it only makes the band aid harder to rip off when your wounds are healed. I don’t talk about my past pain to anyone because as hard as it is to admit- a part of me still hurts remembering or thinking about it. But I learned this week that when I speak to someone about it to help them, it heals me in a powerful, indescribable way. I forget that sometimes, I forget it a lot actually. So a reminder Hilda : Speaking about it is okay if you are helping someone going through the same/similar thing, but it is no longer a reason to be sad.
So with that being said here are the steps that have helped me in one way or the other after a break-up-
- Let go of the contact with the person, places, etc)
Letting go is hard. Especially when you’re attached to someone, and you’re used to talking to them every single day. It can feel like mourning a death at times, but it is the first step to healing. Stay away from anything that reminds you of them, of your plans together for a while. Pretend you are starting your life over as a different person, in a new country with a new name. Get a new hair style, change your number is you have to. Make sure you and them are on the same page for parting ways.
2. Get a journal
You’re going to need a small ALWAYS available support group and that’s 250 pages of fresh college lined paper and a pen. I have many journals I’ve written in after my heartbreaks and I’ve realized reading over them empowers me to never let someone control my emotions or actions as much as they did. Writing daily or even every few hours can help you realize things about yourself in the future that can help you see where you went wrong instead of just blaming others for what went wrong. It helps you see the parallel of mistakes, and that some things in life are just supposed to happen for a reason. We cannot change anything about the past. Remember that and remind yourself whenever you are feeling regret.
3. Have someone that keeps up with how you’re feeling, dealing, coping.
This one is key, and should really be the first one of the steps if it weren’t for loosing contact being highly important. For me, that person was my therapist, who truly guided me along the path of a healthy coping mechanisms. Last year I began to drink a lot, and I began to think about how others deal with these things similarly. Abusing drugs in a negative way can impact you internally more than outwardly. I still speak to close friends about when I’m going through something, so if you know someone you can talk to reach out and tell them how you REALLY feel. Suicide, anxiety, and depression are all real causes after some break-ups, or hard times so speak to someone if you think you need to. One way or the other we are all here to aid one another. Talk to me if you’d like, I am happy to hear new stories and share advice off of my stories and experiences as well.
4. Be Alone
(P.S I don’t know how many steps there are specifically for this but the fact that I’m still going is surprising me.)
BE ALONE!! I’ll say it again, be alone.
After a breakup it’s good to take a break and have the headspace to think things through. It’s good to socialize still and go out with friends that help you take your mind of everything, but that’s just another search for dependability. You have to be honest with yourself, and know that at the end of the day none of your friends, money, or worldly things can fill up your void. Only you can do that.
How? You may ask. How can I be alone without going into complete isolation and depression?
Well, my answer to you is you can’t avoid your feelings, and you can’t understand them without going through them. In other simpler 2017 words: You can’t get through shit, without going through the shit. (Not around it)
It’s kind of like getting the flu shot that already has the sickness inside so you won’t get it in the future. It sucks, but that’s the way we work. We have to deal with our emotions in the moment so they don’t intimidate us or scare us as much in the future. So we can learn how to heal ourselves faster, and learn to know our (wants, needs, desires, what we don’t need) better than any one else. So when the time is right, do the things you wanted to do with your bf/gf by yourself. This will make you realize that you can be your own person without another person.
4a. – Make a list of the things you want to do and cross them out as you go. Write what you enjoyed about it, write your own thank you letter for having a good day, and support yourself when you don’t think about him/her.
4b. Go to a coffee shop or smoothie shop and get a new flavor every day or week just for the fun of it. Try them all. I remember I tried so many boba flavors, because even just thinking of the next flavor I was going to try EXCITED me. It was like a hobby for myself to enjoy, even as little as it sounds it helped.
4c. Go to the gym, or get into YOGA
Starting some sort of physical activity gets your blood pumping, it gets your mind flowing with energy you can use to put good into your body. I saw that working out put me in a better mindset too, after my first 5k I ran in October 2016 I realized I didn’t just need exercise to heal after a break-up, I needed it FOR LIFE. Running, swimming, or yoga relaxes your muscles, and it lets out endorphins that can help you feel happier and breathe easier. So try at least one form of physical activity. (:
5. Write them a letter about how you feel.
This one won’t make you think less about them, but I thought I’d make this the last one because it is what I did. I don’t understand all my emotions and feelings without writing them down sometimes, so I wrote two letters. One where I spilled out all of the negative things that happened and the bitter side of me. The other was the heartfelt, and reminiscing side of me that listed the thank yous of our time together. I read them both and I realized that the second one hurt me the most in a good way. They were the purest words I had ever felt dropped on paper, and to this day I keep that letter as a reminder that love always wins in an argument, and in a dispute. I look back and feel every word with my heart, and remind myself that though things didn’t work out, it is the relationships you built and had with someone that truly matters in this life. Not what you said or didn’t say, but what they made you feel in the happiest times, when nothing else seemed to matter to you. That’s what sticks with you. I kept both but I only sent the first one, and I don’t regret the words I chose to send of love, instead of bitterness because all I know is that re reading that letter makes me feel happy. Like wow, I felt that for someone? Really? Damn.
Those are the top steps I can recommend to you that have helped me in thousands of ways. The fourth one is by far the one that resonates with me the most, being that it was the most difficult one for me to master. Being alone is not what everyone usually wants, but it is something we desperately need at times. Be so alone that you don’t understand why you ever thought you needed someone else to tell you who to be or how to feel. Be so alone that you love and kiss yourself immediately after a negative thought pops into your head. Heal away from the environment you left your broken pieces in, heal, heal, heal, alone, away, and a lot.
Trust in God to give you blessings, because he does EVERY DAY, we must just choose to SEE them. Most of all as Drake once said, Know Yourself, and Know Your Worth, because you are worth more than the pain and love God shed upon for you to be here. You really are.