“It is more blessed to give than to receive” Acts 20:35
You won’t ever be happy in your lifetime, if you don’t realize that happiness is where you are, and who you have with you right now.” – H.C
October came and left like a blink of an eye, so sudden. Where to begin. For starters, school has consumed my life in totality so my posting has been off and on, but I have been writing down content that I anticipate on posting on here soon. These weeks of October have been weeks where I felt emotionally drained, from everyone and everything.
Since this year began, I promised myself that every month I would find something I loved about my life. That I would find something to be thankful for, and something to hold onto until the next month. I did this to give life to all the months of last year. To bring them back to life in my mind, and re create a sense of well being for myself and world. I’ve learned more about myself with every month this year, though it won’t amount to what I learned about heartbreak last year, it adds to the lessons about life and loss.
This October I learned a couple of things that I need to constantly remind myself. I began to take medication for anxiety, and though it’s been hard to accept the fact that I’m going through that, my friends have been one of the biggest support systems I have with this whole thing. As for my reminders, I’ll remind you as well since we tend to forget
Time is not a race;
Don’t run, when no one is making you run. Whether it’s school, a relationship, a break-up, slow down. Catch your breathe. Keep moving forward. I run so often, (at the gym and in my life) that I can get worked up about things when they’re not happening fast and quick. I don’t give myself time to process things and I just throw myself into situations or relationships that might not even be the best fit for me. So, stop and breathe, and know that at the end of the day you will end up where God wants you to be, with who he wants you to be with, because it was already written in his plans for you.
Trust in God more, have more faith
Believe that things will be okay, and they will. Believe that you will write that five page essay and you will surpass your own expectations. Just trust in yourself a little more than what you do because it affects the outcomes of situations. Faith can surprise you. Faith can be a soft smoothie served ice cold, but it’s not something someone will hand to you. You have to have strength, you have to have wisdom to know you cannot quit. Most of all you must have stamina and determination to believe in something greater than yourself. Greater than what you’re living in. That’s faith, and with it you are invincible.
Someone else won’t heal you, you have to heal yourself.
These past months I met someone who changed my perception of love and life. Coming into relationships or friendships I never expect anything from anybody. That is my number one golden rule. That’s why they usually flow easily, and good vibes are spread all throughout our relationship. What happens when someone so beautiful enters a broken persons life though? That is the real question.
I’ve spent time alone, and I’ve written about my time alone on here too. It’s pretty clear I’ve been in the dark much like everyone else has been for one reason or the other. There comes a point where you don’t want to even think about that place anymore. Don’t want to think about why, who, when, how, or anything leading you back because it’s gone. It’s not building you, it just tears and destroys the light you rebuilt. That’s how I feel when I look back. And I try not to, but when it comes back it doesn’t pull, it tugs me. That’s when I must fight myself to come out alive and not let the negative thoughts take me hostage. The thoughts of me being broken all summer; that at any random place I’ll shut down, and I’ll get caught in this reel tape of memories.
I thought I was okay, but maybe we have to be okay with not being okay. Maybe the fact that we’re all ‘not okay’ brings us closer together. Maybe I let my little bit of ugly pride ruin the image I could make of myself. I let people from my past still have power over how I act, why? All I can answer to that is, “things take as much time as they need to, not as much time as you want them to need” Trauma and emotional abuse don’t go away very easily, though I know I’ve healed myself a lot more than how hurt I used to be, and that is one step forward that makes me happy to be alive.
That even though I wake up and my heart hurts sometimes for no reason, I am alive, the first text I got today was, “good morning, I’m happy I’m alive,” and that just awoke in me a good start to my day and month. My heart and mind are two separate things, and I know their job is not to understand why I feel so much, but just to embrace my feelings, and not let them consume my reasons to love new people that come into my life.
New people, or a new person won’t heal or replace what someone else broke. But they can help you in the process of learning to heal it yourself. That’s all on you and me. I never thought I’d feel such love from one human being, until I met someone unlike anyone else. But even then my heart feels hurt. Even then my heart’s wounds stay; why? Why is this so hard? That’s what I’m here to tell you. I think it’s because your broken heart does not need someone, it needs you. It needs GOD. Though having someone with me that understands me so well, is like a dream I never dreamt of, I can only heal myself.
All I know is God helps me through the things I believe I can’t handle myself. He is there to hold my hand, and I am here to be a witness to his eternal love. This month is my twentieth birthday, and I am ready to celebrate it in the best way possible. I want to celebrate my life; I want to be alive for as long as possible, even on days where that doesn’t seem true to me. I love you Kim, I love you Jay, Jess, Annette, Chris, Edwin, David, Stephanie, I love you guys so much.
the-girl-with-sad-eyes-but-good-vibes 