An Introduction to (girl-with-the-sad-eyes-but-good-vibes)
Welcome, to my blog about healing, fuckboys, chaotic heartbreaks, shitty people, first times, poetry, philosophical theories, and just about everything else revolving around how I analyze every detail of my life. If you are reading this, I’d like to first say thank you. This is the only place I have found my authentic inner-voice, and to share my personal experiences with you is not easy, but I have realized that through my trials and errors have come lessons. Those lessons are what I hope to share and enlighten people who read or come across this blog, in hopes that it will change even a single person’s mind or spark an idea. God has been with me through thick and thin, and I want to share my connection with him in my words as well. Without him I would be nowhere near to where I am today. Being a teen in 2016, can be a bit of a hassle, I am only 19, but yet I feel like I have the world at my finger tips. And maybe it’s because I do.
Over the past couple months, the reoccurring topic of healing has surfaced into my life in a way it had never before. When we loose someone close to us, our minds, our bodies, and social construct demolishes into a downward spiral of hopelessness. My view of the world has changed, the way I communicate has changed, and most importantly I have changed too. I have gained insight to the feeling of pain and hatred, as well as the deep feelings tied to it of love and passion.
Truth is, where there is pain, there is love. Where there is hate, there is a deep wounded soul. Nothing horrible and senile is brought from evil itself; in fact it’s most often the opposite. It is the outcome of a warm, once compassionate heart. The healing is the first step to finding yourself, and rebuilding what once was your dignity and empathy. It is not your fault, most times we do take the faults rather harshly, which in end destroys our small amount of harmony still left within ourselves even more. The first step, is healing. The second step is reminding yourself that while you may have had your fair share of blame in whatever scenario, the next three words are vital. Nobody is perfect. You are by no means expected to be a perfect idea of what anyone makes in their mind. Therefore, you do not have to justify or explain the way you are feeling to anyone but yourself. Don’t expect anyone to understand either, because sometimes things are just too fragile to grasp by other people, the significance isn’t seen by others in the grand scheme of things, and when you think that you are going insane because you can’t let it go, more times than not it is because you might never. That is okay. Depending on the severity, only your heart can truly tell you how you let things go, if you are ready, when you are ready, and if you are prepared to hurt more than you ever did in the relationship in the first place.
That is when it is time to move on.
Moving on, and letting go is one of the most courageous things you can do for yourself. It is an act that shows, how much you not only love yourself, but your heart. It might be one of the most selfish and selfless acts all in one package deal. We don’t like to hurt. People carry on with pain and anguish in their lives because they know that not having that person there, no matter how horrible, or toxic they might be for them is a thousand times better than not having them at all. Even if they know, even if people remind them of how great they could be doing with someone else, it doesn’t work because our bodies are scared of emotional pain. So we paint the picture, over and over again. We paint them in pink, tying to the good times, the memories we cherish of them in order to cope with the reality behind their blinding smile. The pain knocks on the door all the time, and we merely try to keep the door closed even when we know it visits every day. How long until pain is the only visitor at your home? It can be years before you finally realize it’s been the only visitor and by then there is no way to welcome any one else. This is what occurs when we settle in pain, and believe me it can get very comfortable. A routine almost, and I know because I have struggled through that, and still do to this day. It is a comforting pain when you haven’t let go of something you love because you keep telling yourself, “That’s not what you do when you love something, you don’t let it go, you keep it close, not forget about it” This isn’t real pain though, and once you’ve experienced it you will definitely know the difference.
This pain is unrealistic reassurance. Sure you should keep something you love close to you, but something you love shouldn’t hurt you. Whether it be a romantic relationship or a close friendship with someone you care about. It shouldn’t wound you internally, it should make you happy. You might lie to yourself and say, “Yeah I am happy, they are here with me so what more do I need?” That is when you must take a step back and ask yourself, “Am I genuinely happy having this person in my life? Or is it holding you back from meeting someone new, from things you want to accomplish in life? Would you be okay if they suddenly met someone and flaunted them as their new prized possession? Only you know the answer to these questions, and the response is what guides you to the next steps of healing. The real pain, isn’t the comforting romantic fleeting thing you feel when you are confused and in love. The real pain is experienced when you agree, with every bone in your moving body to let go of them. When someone can muster this courage, they are walking through fire without knowing if they’ll eventually come out.
This is the real pain. The pain of heartbreak and love. It is one we must all endure at one point in our lives, it is key to understanding the fundamentals of the world. Now, this doesn’t mean we have to go out looking for our hearts to be broken to spark some sort of enlightenment in us, that’s not how it works. We’ve all had our fair share of relationships, as well as our share of failed attempts at them. However, heartbreak occurs when you least expect it to happen. It doesn’t involve time or the time you invested in the other person, it is and simply is a chance. It is an adventitious risk that you take for another person not because you want to but because your heart wants you to. We believe in something bigger than ourselves, the most beautiful tragedy of time. See, we plan our heartbreaks clean and distinct, but they don’t exist until we can come to terms with reality. We become so caught up in looking through our rose colored glasses, that nothing is messy. Nothing is wrong, and that feeling is probably the most simplistic you’ll ever feel. So at ease, so sublime, and so alive. It is the bright side of heartbreak, the reason why you will never forget your first one, because it might have just been the best experience of your life while it lasted. It deceives you, and since you are already vulnerable it can take you to higher drastic measures. That is until you realize that you need to move on from the surging pain in order to come back to life, yes. Slowly, but gradually come back to life on earth. You will contemplate during this pain, you will cross heads with the past versions and unleash demons of regret and hate. That’s the only way you know you are healing from real pain and not “reassurance pain.” You will basically question everything you are, and what you were up until that point of breaking free.
However, after the big heartbreak, (trust me you’ll know) you will change in various ways. This ties into the “Post Male Syndrome” as Natasha Adamo speaks about in her blog. We often don’t welcome change, but it is vital to our growth and personalities. Here are some “post changes” you may likely consider/act on
- You will make it a goal to protect yourself and (your heart) from future relationships like this one, for good. So if you complained about falling into the same situation on and on to your friends this one finally did the job.
- You will learn what you truly want in someone who is meant for you
- Your standards are higher
- Your self-worth is something you now hold on a pedestal.
- You don’t take bullshit. Any kind. From anybody.
- You are going to get to know yourself from head to toe, and by that I mean things about you, you didn’t even know existed. (I know.)
- Your connection with family and relatives will be a little more stronger.
- The connection with nature and the world will never be the same as the one you’ll have now.
There are probably hundreds more than these, but I believe these right here are the primal ones. (at least for me). Remember, no one will ensure you of anything, except yourself. The way you change is up to you entirely. However, if you are avoiding being deceived, or lied to again there is no way you won’t again, if you are not first completely sure of who you are. If you can ask and answer this question firmly, “Who am I?” and stay true to that only.
Nothing is more important. This is the hardest question to answer. If you know that, you hold indefinite power. You can make anything you want happen. you are golden.
This is what will be motivating most of my topics, and the message I try to convey in each of my posts. Thank you for reading this if you have, and I hope I can inspire someone somewhere with the words I write on this blog to do or think something great.
Something I keep in mind: “You may not be where you want to be, but you can look back and be thankful you’re not where you used to be.” So here goes my life, written in black ink for all who want to read, I send you light, and hope with whatever you are going through.
With Love -girl with the sad eyes but good vibes