hello, my readers,
and whoever else that still reads my honey-like words.
yes, the world is in chaos right now, but lately, i have been focusing on the opposite. it is like whenever the world is seemingly coming to an end i find new love. throughout the years of writing on this blog, i have learned a lot about myself. (initially the goal i hoped to accomplish) — to learn what i could not truly accept about myself in words that are easily written for me than spoken out loud. as i get older, now being twenty-two i see myself clearer than ever. someone asked me recently, “why do you have such a fascination with love?” the ins- the outs, why can’t you just let it be?
i didn’t really know how to respond to that question to be completely honest. i’ve always have just had a bigger heart than i’d like to carry in this small 120-pound body of mine. the funny peculiar thing is i have always felt like i am better at writing about love, analyzing love, and even promoting it than actually feeling it entirely for someone else myself. the capacity and potential is definitely there, and i know what it is to love someone. I guess somewhere along with that feeling of happiness, beauty, and good feelings is always the attached feeling of pain. my mind has laced a lot of my love feelings with unbearable pain. pain is scary, —yes i know we can all agree with that. and i don’t know about some of you but i hate (with a PASSION) feeling hurt. it is like a stinging in my heart that takes over my whole body. every single time someone i have loved has hurt me it has definitely taken something tiny from my soul. maybe kindness? maybe hope? it’s not a great feeling, and with it a lot of walls have risen higher than ever. i hate walls, i despise them and don’t get why we have to resort to them. all i know at this age is that the ego is powerful. it will pull me to do things and think things i do not truly feel at all. but with it i feel safe. safe. that word. a breath of fresh air to my lungs.
most days now i do not trust anyone. i struggle trusting myself, and the people who love me and are around me. getting hurt is inevitable, but evil is what i try to escape. it seems like evil is always on the hunt to reach me. at least that is how i feel now, and how i felt in my previous relationship. is it because to me heaven is a state of mind? does the other world want me so so bad it purposely hunts me down? anyways maybe that’s just another phrase for toxic people hahah, i am ranting at this point. but yeah, love hasn’t really been analyzed from my side of the room this time around, it really is just floating around above my head as i daydream about what it would be like to be older, and living by myself in my own space. i have been needing to heal a lot, and i met someone who is healing with me. i do believe i have only met two soulmates in this lifetime, and they have been the only two who caught me by surprise. to this stage of my life i can only hope god gives me the clarity to be happy in the midst of all the sad. i have become very numb, and suppressive with emotions that i can’t let myself feel, because they are too painful to feel. i do not want pain, i do not want hurt. i just want to be happy. and there is no one who will make me feel that way until i keep practicing self-love. i love you hilda.
a letter from me to me, a twenty-two-year-old woman who still has a lot to learn about love, and life. 03/30/2020
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